Do you want to go back or do you want to leave forever? – An unknown voice echoed repeatedly such that I could not predict its place of origin. I tried to open my eyes by all possible means but I was unsuccessful. I was feeling trapped and the voice was making me uncomfortable every passing moment. I was trying hard to wake myself up but it was all in vain. I was helpless and frustrated. I knew it was some kind of trance or deep meditation type of thing that I had got myself into. But this was way different. There was no music in the background, no heavenly bodies or sounds of the universe, there was no peace or purpose, there was no sense or consciousness, there was no realisation of deep breathing. Every moment that echoing voice got louder, I started to become restless. I was not seeing myself but only had a vague idea that I was still alive and I was neither feeling myself nor any of my senses was working. I tried to calm myself down and tried to focus on the echoing voice. These things used to happen a lot whenever I was in deep trance state or progressive hypnosis, but somehow this was totally new for me. But I tried not to become restless anymore and I consoled myself that maybe I have reached deeper into myself than I ever could and maybe this will help me in some way. I was quite sure I was still alive and breathing , at least I told myself so, to minimise the distortion of my psychic journey into a deeper state of my mind.
I focused my attention on the echoing voice which was well enunciated – “Do you want to go back or do you want to leave forever?”. I did not know whether I had to answer or simply listen to it. I couldn’t decide whether it was a choice that I was given by someone or maybe myself or it was something else with a totally different meaning or objective. More I heard that voice- more were the number of questions that arised in my state of complete numbness. I had nowhere to go and nothing else was coming into my mind at that point. Earlier whenever I found myself in a state of dismay, either I would open my eyes and calm myself down or I’d bring some different idea or thought in my mind and I’d control the direction of my pursuit in the search of answers.
But this time none of the things worked. All efforts were in vain. I could not come up with any thought or memory. The echo was continuously growing its region ,travelling closer and rapidly towards me and sometimes farther away from me and more slowly. The unknown voice was piercing my pleasant state of peace and was hurting me more every time it travelled closer to my numb state.
I did not know what to do? In the state of numbness I tried to yell ” Stop it, I can’t take it anymore, it’s hurting me” but I couldn’t yell or even speak. I did not know where I was going, what place I was being taken to. What if I answered I want to go back and I’d be taken back to the past where I was all miserable and needy, where the days were full of anger and disappointment and nights were full of loneliness and discomfort. I struggled hard to get past that version of me and what if I had to go through all of it again. I did not want to go back to that place ever again not even if I was sentenced to death. I hated the worthless, fearful, vulnerable state of me in my past and if somehow I ended up there then maybe this time I won’t be able to get out of it ever again. Every human has a limit and every soul has a hopeless end. No way I was going to choose the former fragment of the question or option that was being laid upon me by the unknown voice.
The next fragment stated – “Do you want to leave forever?” Again it was a confusing question. I did not have any idea where I was headed to? Whether it would be a journey or a destination. Whether it would be a beginning or an end. I was willing to leave for somewhere better but the risk involved was too dangerous. Maybe I’ll go to a state where I’ll be treated better than I already was or even worse. The answer would have been simpler if the destination or the final place of my stay would be revealed to me.
But before any further questions I must answer this one first. If I did not answer fast , this unknown voice would soon kill me in my already senseless, thoughtless, non-responsive state and I did not want to die. I had to answer fast. Sooner I’d choose between these options, sooner I’d be relieved from this disturbing noise that had become intolerable for me. Finally I came to a conclusion with all the calculative risks and unclear mindset due to loss of my touch with my wisdom and thoughts. It was a choice made irrespective of my past experiences and my possibilities for the future. It was the choice that was not hindered by the dead feelings or erupting emotions. It was a choice made solely due to the reason to get rid of the intolerable pain and seldom it happens that a person makes a great decision whenever he or she is in a constant pain.
In pain ,we tend to stop thinking and try to weigh our outcomes for the decisions which we make and by doing so we make ourselves vulnerable to being treated as an object rather than asset. In pain, we experience loss and dysfunction of our senses ,our thoughts collide with our emotions and create a infinite space full of low self-esteem and low self-worth. We presume ourselves to be weak and incapable of handling the severity of the loss or tragedy that we have come across. In the moments of pain, we deliberately focus on the pain rather than prevention or possible permanent cure. The time we think we are senseless and choose an option without evaluating its actuality leads us in the darkest state of our mind, body and soul to a constant state of suffering.
But through experience one understands all this and I hardly had any. I chose the latter option that was laid out for me by the Unknown Voice . I chose to “Leave Forever.”